Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
