What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
