Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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