it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
