I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
