sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize