So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
