I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
