You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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