Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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