Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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