i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
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