You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
