Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize