Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
