I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
