I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
