So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
