I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
