Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
