I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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