At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
