you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
