i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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