An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
