I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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