I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I puked a lego.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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