Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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