ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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