just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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