yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
