I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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