I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
