Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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