I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she peed on how many people?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
