okay pat passed out under dana's car
he thought i was a dude.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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