Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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