Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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