so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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