A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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