I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
