Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
