did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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