come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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