Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
