i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
