At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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