I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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