he thought i was a dude.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
