you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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