I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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