Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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