hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
