Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
