If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Randomize
