Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
